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Hear my screams, Do they reach you, No they don't, For I don't scream, I don't scream out loud that is, No one can hear me scream, I scream with my face up, Towards to darks clouds of the night, Rain, Thunder, Lightning, All so intoxicating, I scream with my neck arched back, So I can get a view, A view of the heavens, I scream to them, Wanting them to stop my pain, My mind body and soul deteriorates to the ground below, Becoming one with the dirt, For that is what I am... dirt, I am dirt for everyone to walk on, Thus making me even more unworthy, I am filthy, I don't deserve the clean touch of you, You who makes me seem alive again, But when you or I leave I turn back to the filthy matter which is below us, I am below you, I am not worthy of what you give me, You give me a smile, You give me strength, Hope that tomorrow none of this would have ever happened, You gave me your life, You died for me... I want to die so I can see you, I want to see you again, But I cant, For I am nothing but dirt, But from me sprouts... L... I... F... E...

Hear my screams, Do they reach you, No they don't, For I don't scream, I don't scream out loud that is, No one can hear me scream, I scream with my face up, Towards to darks clouds of the night, Rain, Thunder, Lightning, All so intoxicating, I scream with my neck arched back, So I can get a view, A view of the heavens, I scream to them, Wanting them to stop my pain, My mind body and soul deteriorates to the ground below, Becoming one with the dirt, For that is what I am... dirt, I am dirt for everyone to walk on, Thus making me even more unworthy, I am filthy, I don't deserve the clean touch of you, You who makes me seem alive again, But when you or I leave I turn back to the filthy matter which is below us, I am below you, I am not worthy of what you give me, You give me a smile, You give me strength, Hope that tomorrow none of this would have ever happened, You gave me your life, You died for me... I want to die so I can see you, I want to see you again, But I cant, For I am nothing but dirt, But from me sprouts... L... I... F... E...

XxXDarknessXxXConsumesXxX
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Wandering Gender: Female Message: message me AIM: silence10498 Member Since: 3/9/2005

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! one worthless cut after another...we dont matter
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!!!i cut because it hurts inside!!!
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!~.:. i m.....s u i c i d a l .:. ~!
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!Your scars say what you cant!
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 Tears of blood 
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 Writer's Outlet 
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! ~ * ~ Hidding Behind Masks ~ * ~ !
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*Cutting the Pain Away*
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Posting Calendar

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Friday, December 02, 2005

...um really haven't updated in a while I guess I have just been to... lazy for lace of better terms... considering I have been trying to hide how I feel again... hiding behind my mask... I'm really starting to see why I took in the mask in the fist place... it's easy to get by... I don't really know what to say considering I really don't know if anyone really reads this anymore... but I have been having a really bad... no bad is an understatement... I have been living in hell...

1:26 AM - 31 views - 12 eprops - 5 comments - email it

Friday, September 09, 2005

well this happened a while ago but I was having a really bad anxiety attack at school and I ended up going to the bathroom my pocket knife in hand cut myself found someone I knew and right when I looked into her eyes I cried I knew I let people down I descrased myself she came to me and asked me what was wrong and I told her what had happened well I started to start up a stir of people I knew around me asking me what was wrong which didn't make it any better well I went to go get something to eat and got to my table well there were eyes on my from more of my friends and one of them asked me what was wrong and I started to cry again and this was infront of guys anyway lunch went by and I went to the office to talk to someone one person in particular I only will talk to her and her alone but she wasn't there so I sat there and waited but after a while I was sick of waiting so I went back to class still on the brink of crying and well I went to my next hour which was choir and ley me tell you I didn't feel like singing at all so I asked the teacher to let me and a friend to go to the office to talk and she let us but the lady I wanted to talk to wasn't there and we had to go into the nurses office to talk so we got a bed and pulled the curtian around us so we had like a little room to ourself and I just started to talk to Tiff who was with me at the time and well I started to play with the pocket knife I had and was running the blad across my skin slightly as to not to cut but I was talk to Tiff and asked her a question "Hey Tiff if given the chance would you talk to Misery in person?" "Anything that would help you" I was about to let Misery take over so she could talk to Tiff trough me but the nurse came in and said we have to go and Tiff never go to talk to her... after that at the end of the day I had millions of people come up to me and ask me what was wrong it just comes to show you how fast word can get around the school...

3:46 PM - 21 views - 8 eprops - 4 comments - email it

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Leave me alone... can't you see I want to be left alone to myself... can you not get that trough youy thick head... why can't you understand... there is so much beauty in this world... yet I only see the ugly negative... for I am all those things and more... I do not deserve to walk with the people I know... those people who I trust... whom trust me... why do people trust me why do they come to me for comfort... I don't know why some people look up to me... I don't know I always think that after I get done cutting I can always make one more slice and end it all... that almost happened tonight... Misery is getting the best of me... it's funny how a piece of glass can be so sharp and yet you feel nothing when it slices your skin... but when it heals now that's where the pain comes in...

11:43 PM - 80 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I want to see the blood that deep shade of crimson... they have taken something dear to me... there goes one slash... you can't help me no one can... only what they took away... there is another slit... I think I went a little to deep on that one... oh well let us continue... cut three... mmm... even deeper... I love this feeling... and one more... time to switch to the other side... slash one two three and four... ahh... it's out... for now... four gashes grace my hips... as if a WILD CAT took a hold of me... and brought me down...

7:36 PM - 12 views - 8 eprops - 4 comments - email it

Friday, August 12, 2005

I am alone... I make myself sick... look at me... I'm not beautiful... I'm noy pretty, I'm ugly... I'm fat... I need to be perfect... if only I ould just take a knife and cut it all off... maybe I should do that... I make people around me sick... everyone thinks I have such a high self asteam but I don't... I don't get why people like me... I just don't get it... I should be alone... to walk in the rain by myself... alone to myself while going mad... such deception... I hate it... I hate when people look at me... it's more than I can stand... I always think they are looking at my flaws... thinking look how fat she is... I always think that... she's dancing in my head... Misery that is... I don't care if it wrong or right... I'm giving in to her... but I want to fight I know I should fight but I can't I'm become to weak my feeling emotions now are all comeing out in one long setence then in short breaths I'm alone in the dark I cannot believe anything... thump... thump... thump... that's her... her bangging on my head... she's telling me i can't resist... my Father has left to go some where else... I'm here with my Mother and I'm afraid... I'm afraid that Misery will take over and I will lose complete control and she will hurt my Mom and I don't want that... I don't know what I would do if I hurt my Mom... feelings I canot fight would come up and I would let them pollute my mind... I would kill myself if I hurt my Mom... I know I would... and I would kill myself in the most agonizing way ever... just to make up for what I did and to show myself what I did to my Mother... I need help right now... I need someone to talk to... but... I have no voice... I cannot talk with out letting the pain out... it would hurt me to much... flashes of before the hospital are popping into my head and are hurting me... my anxiety attacks the way I actted... I would clench my teeth and my fists so tight that my knuckles were white... I was in so much pain... I don't think my medicine is working any more... will I soon become mental and join an asylum... I sometime think I should... but then sometimes I want to die... just to end all thins pain... to make people happy they don't have to take care of me... but then there are those people who I know I would hurt if I were to kill myself and I don't want to kill them like I did myself... but I would like to say a few things to you... and you know who you are...

I love you very much and I don't want you to forget about that I will always be there for you weither I am dead or alive I will watch over you... if I were to take my life please do not feel bad ar sad nor cry... I only did it to end my pain and suffering... all I ask is to remember all the good times we had and to wear white at my funeral... but as for now since I am still alive all I ask of you is to be there for me and to enjoy this time we have... for like I said I love and would do anything to see you happy...

I couldn't help but sence that it seems as if that was a letter to give out right before I died... but I don't know... I hate how everything seems that way... I look at some thing and say well everything has to have an end... I'm so negative in that way... no wait I'm just plain negative actually... I hate that... I hate myself I always think about myself and not other I'm so selfish and I'm not a good friend... I should be thinking about other people and not myself I am not important... I'm nothing... nothing but dirt... nothing but dirt... dirt...

I know who death is... from my dream... I shall post the dream later on

10:53 PM - 258 views - 10 eprops - 6 comments - email it

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